Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bette Midler = biggest pimp on planet earth

If there's 10 levels of boredom, starving for entertainment enough to peruse cnn.com has to register at least at level 8. I'm not talking about clicking there quickly to see what the top story or late breaking news is, even Cletus does that.

No, I'm talking about that type of boredom where you've already been updated on Obama's health care plan, you've made sure Brett Favre is still retired, you discovered that caffeine increases your risk of Elephantitis by half a percent and all the sudden you're reading an advice column and starting to wonder if maybe you should get your hair cut like Zach Efron because it's the ONLY WAY that women will notice you.

That's the lethargy puddle I was wading in when I discovered this story about Jennifer Aniston's apparent inability to find the kind of love that grandmommies and granddaddies celebrate at the country club with all 27 grandchildren in attendance that are trying to avoid the old guy with the dentures that thinks he fought in the Revolutionary War.
Dentured geezer: "I say we take the British in their sleep!" --Salutes. Falls face first into a bowl of pudding. Spits out fake teeth. After a second of stillness, begins moving mouth slowly to let the sweetness seep in while inhaling more glop through his nose.

Aniston's inability to find Mr. Right is an injustice on the level of eight dollar beer sales at a baseball game. There hasn't been a single Aniston role where she hasn't come off as anything but a fairytale princess. She's caring, she's funny, she shows emotion at all the right times and she has a cute butt (see The Break Up and bring a bib). Oh yeah, and she's gorgeous.
How many guys watched Bruce Almighty and saw Jim Carey yelling "Love me! Love me!" and didn't think, "and if not him, then me. I don't have God on my side, but I'll do more than finish your friggin scrap book."

If she's anything like the characters she plays on screen, she's got to be irresistible enough to find someone to take good care of her when she needs an emotional partner. And if she's not, then shouldn't she be up for some kind of Academy Award? I've seen more than enough movies where Denzel Washington, Mel Gibson and Jack Nicholson play the same character over and over again, and those dudes are in the running every year!

Just as I'm starting to build up the courage to fly to Hollywood and ask the former Rachel Green out on a date, I read this from the one and only Bette Midler.

"She should find somebody who is really hot, who's not in show business. Somebody with a lot of money, and she should live the large life and forget about these a--holes," Midler said.

Not you Bette! Not one of the few actresses I actually respect!

Cue Eddie Griffin! (NSFWish- language)

"They say a black man is a pimp.
Well let me tell you the biggest pimp on planet mother(lovin) Earth, is her momma It's her MOMMA that told her,
"Get a man that got a good job gurl! Make sure he got a good car gurl! Make sure he can take you out and buy you somethin gurl!"
What happened to just fallin in love with a (cool guy) with a bus pass --
-- just cause you love the (cool guy)? But I'm the pimp mother(lover) I gotta be the player.
This is why I don't pay attention to celebrity gossip. Finding out about their real lives and thoughts is too depressing. No more CNN after midnight, even if Michael Jackson rises from his grave and does the Thriller dance.

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