Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The return of a villain breaks blogging slumber

For the two or three of you that have missed me in your lives, you have one person to thank. You may be the only ones to thank him so make it loud and proud, like Rainbow parades.

Taking a cue from his best buddy Michael Strahan, Favre sent a message to Green Bay. Favre will STOMP... you out!

Once, twice, three times a lady is what Brett Favre has become, crawling back to the only thing that has ever cared about him, the NFL. One could argue that this only really happened twice but others would argue that Favre's last three years in Green Bay were really just a constant, flower pedal, "Love me, Love me not" game for the Packers as they waited for the return of their precious. I'm sticking with three because the song isn't called two to five times a lady.

Earlier today a friend asked which quarterback I'd prefer, giving the options of John Elway, Payton Manning, Tom Brady, Steve Young and Brett Favre. Prior to the last three years, I'm positive Favre would have been somewhere in the middle of that list. At this point I'd put King PorkSkull...aka Ben Roethlisberger in the mix higher than Favre. Even riding a motorcycle without a helmet and still being revered as someone who's not a complete freaking moron isn't this annoying.

In the Dark Knight, a movie which should be treated as gospel because of how friggin cool it was, Harvey Dent says, 'you either die a hero, or live long enough to become a villain.' Favre had his opportunity to go out as a hero with the Packers. He could have gone out as a fallen angel, like one of the Watchmen if he'd have chosen to retire after a shoulder injury finished his days with the Jets. But going from the quarterback who never died to the quarterback who never knew when to give up has made Favre the villain, and unfortunately, the worst kind.

Favre is like that dorky second grader, or perhaps that 35-year-old single guy at a baseball game with no friends, who cracks a decent joke and much to his surprise, people laugh. To his delight, he continues to throw out variations of the same one-liner until people eventually grow sick of his antics and stick gum in his hair/ poor a beer on his head.

Some chose to ignore our Wrangler man. He put his special fragrance of B.S. out there so many times that even ESPN.com -- his own personal live blog -- didn't jump on the story until it was official this time. Others are just waiting for the chance when the teacher/usher isn't looking so they can get a couple shots in.

"After all those years of not being able to hit him, do I want to hit him? Of course I want to hit him," said (Green Bay linebacker) Nick Barnett "He's an awesome guy. I wish him the best."

Unfortunately Barnett finished with what I pray is an insincere addendum, when he said, "He's an awesome guy. I wish him the best."

The sad thing is that at this point, Michael Vick has to be happy that Favre is out of retirement. How the hell does a convicted felon and murderer of Lady and the Tramp get to breath easy before he even gets into the NFL?
Here are the reasons that people hate Brett Favre:
  1. He flirts aggressively with the truth -- Not only did he reiterate just how retired he was in April and again at the beginning of August MAKING HIM A BIGGER LIAR THAN BILL O'REILLY, but he also came back to a team that was his enemy for the first decade and a half of his career. Trading sides is for hunchback turds that can't fight.
  2. Fantasy football --1/3 of all fantasy leagues have already drafted under the impression that Favre would not be playing this year. Now some asshole who didn't even really pay attention to his draft will pick up Favre who will somehow pull a statistically significant season out of his underpants and take them into the playoffs, screwing someone who drafted carefully.
  3. Time for a quarterback-- Many people were shocked to find out that Michael Vick was killing dogs, but later and later in Vick's career, there were things that made you wonder just how good of a guy he was. Flicking off the fans. Trying to sneak wacky-tabacky through airport security. These things helped people cope with the fact that the QB who was supposed to reinvent the position was actually just a dumb asshole. Besides that, football players are expected to be a little violent in the mind, and crave destruction. It's part of the sport.
    Favre was different. We all wanted to celebrate the man, even though his 85.4 career passer rating wasn't a thing of complete beauty. It wasn't until his second and third go-around that we really started to analyze just how mediocre several of his seasons were. Part of what drew attention to this, was that, even in retirement he SUCKS AT MAKING DECISIONS. Quarterbacks are supposed to make better decisions with more time. Not worse ones!
    There's a chance this Hail Mary into the Twin Cities with two minutes left in his career will pay off for him, but there's an even bigger chance that he gets picked off, destroying the chances of a team that still, even in desparation mode, had a chance to win this year. If this doesn't work, there's no way the Vikings personel recover from this.

Lewis Black once said that Michael Jackson was his own walking punchline, and didn't even need a reason to be included in a joke.

"Michael Jackson. That's all I gotta say. That really is all you have to say. You don't even have to say anything. You don't even have to say a joke. Everyone has a vision in their head, as soon as you say 'Michael Jackson,' you see a guy, a (freaking) deformed (dude), running around with a God-damned monkey, you go 'what the (heck)!' He's become a punch line. He has. Michael Jackson is a punch line to any joke you want. If you forget the punch line, all you have to say is 'Michael Jackson.' Two Jews walked into a bar...Michael Jackson. Why did the chicken cross the road... Michael Jackson. Knock knock, who's there? Michael Jackson."

The gutsiest man on the football field for almost two decades may eventually head down the same path as the King of Pop - not a road to fame, but a road to ridicule. He didn't even have to touch little kids to do it.

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