Wednesday, August 26, 2009

King of Popping Out

It's hard to believe, but it's been two months since the world began to mourn Michael Jackson's death.

Since he died, fans have been so affected that they have cried, swayed, moonwalked, been tardy at their jobs, completely overreacted, and up to a dozen have reportedly packed it in and fallen on their swords for their idol. If only we had known that man nor God's laws were good enough for some, but under the law of Jackson, justice and peace prevail. Hopefully these men were not detained for following that law to the T... or underage P or the V, if you get my drift.

I have not begun to mourn over the death of Jackson, and it's not because I wasn't a big fan. In fact, since I was a fetus, I've been getting down to the King of Pop. My father literally put headphones on my mother's womb while I was still inside so that I could begin my appreciation at an early stage.

My brothers and I grew up with Jackson. I determined I sucked at dancing when, at the age of 7, I got dead last in a breakdown contest for doing a jig something like the unnamed character wearing the orange shirt in Charlie Brown's Christmas. My brother was a fantastic dancer, though, learning nearly everything he knew from Jackson. As my own tribute, I memorized every Weird Al parody of Jackson's songs (even at the age of six, my voice wasn't high enough to touch Michael's soprano). We never even cared that he coddled little boys. We just enjoyed his legal talents.

The reason I haven't begun to let go of Michael Jackson is because I don't even think he's dead. Don't throw the evidence in my face. It's that very evidence that leads me to believe good old Michael will be popping out of that casket just like these guys. Hee-hee indeed.

Here are the facts, mostly taken from a much more detailed timeline.

  • Michael was training for a comeback tour with Lou (Incredible Hulk) Ferrigno prior to his death.
  • Jackson was $400 million in debt and was extremely cash poor at the time of his death.
  • Some who knew Jackson make contradictory statements about his health in the days before his death. Video shows him appearing healthy and doing signature dance moves including the moonwalk, but reports persist that he was thin, frail, and dependent on painkillers.
  • A day after his office was searched, court documents say Dr. Conrad Murray is the target of a manslaughter investigation into the singer's death.
  • Two days ago, a law enforcement official tells The Associated Press that the Los Angeles County coroner has ruled Jackson's death a homicide. The official says the coroner determined a fatal combination of propofol and sedatives was given to Jackson hours before he died.

Interesting financial facts
  • All 10 albums on's bestseller list are Jackson's; the 25th anniversary edition of "Thriller" is No. 1. Sales figures from Nielsen SoundScan show that in the three weeks following his death, 2.3 million Jackson CDs have been sold.
  • The mayor of Los Angeles says the city will pay an estimated $1.4 million for Jackson's memorial service. He says a Web site seeking donations from the public is "ridiculous."
  • The Web site offering tickets for the Sept. 26 Jackson tribute in Vienna crashes after a million people log on even before sales are due to start.
  • Sony announces that a film called "Michael Jackson: This Is It" will be released Oct. 28. The film is built around rehearsal and behind-the-scenes footage for Jackson's comeback tour. It will play for two weeks in theaters worldwide. Columbia paid $60 million for rights to the film, but Jackson's estate is to receive 90 percent of its profits.

Just to line things up, Michael Jackson is working out every day to get ready for a concert, but even at the age of 51, there's a chance that even the friggin' Hulk can't get MJ up on his tippietoes for a moonwalk anymore. These guys conjure up a way to get some more time.

Jackson can't just push back the tours. He's already got too much money invested in the thing, and he owes 400 million bucks. Instead, Jackson fakes kicking the bucket at his ranch, the paramedics rush in, pull him out while he's in a coma and he "dies" at the hospital. While the family mourns privately, the fans buy CD's to remember him. Jackson's stock goes up a bajillion dollars.

The cops have enough evidence to put Dr. Murray in jail and throw away the key but the progress on the case is slothful. A month after the Jackson died and weeks after his autopsy is finished, his family announces they're pushing his funeral back EVEN LONGER without offering any sort of reasoning. Their logic to the fans is that Michael's skin is made out of the same thing action figures are made out of, and if babies can't chew threw the stuff, then there's no friggin way bacteria is getting in. We say, 'Oh, Michael'

The LAPD keep pulling out the charades. The verdict turns slowly from manslaughter to homicide. They still aren't charging anyone with a crime, even though Dr. Murray basically admitted giving the drugs to Jackson to help him sleep. This is perfect because it keeps the media on the hook to keep plugging the story all the way up to Sept. 6 when Jackson's ready to come out of that box like he's God damn Huck Finn.

Sure, the Brits are a little pissed because they lost their concerts, but they're just happy that people don't have to off themselves in the name of a guy who dangles his baby over balconies for fun. Jackson's completely out of debt because the cash-strapped citizens of the world all found the 21.99 to buy the special edition of Thriller. Sony's thrilled because they get to shoot Jackson coming out of the coffin, which is worth the 60 million even with proceeds going to the estate. They're also now in line for cheap rights for a movie on his life, with Jamie Foxx playing young Michael and Johnny Depp playing less-black, more messed in the head Michael (I wish I had the creativity to have made that up, but I read on a rumor site weeks ago that was the plan). The fans are ecstatic to have their hero back, and even Michael wins because, so happy are we, that we've forgotten how much he enjoys pleasures of the prepubescent flesh.

And the government isn't going to to SHIT because the L.A. police knew it was going on the whole time, as did the Mayor who was more than happy to lay down 1.4 million of the city's money, knowing there was an even bigger financial return. Hell, Barack Obama was probably even in on it. He can tell you it was the buyouts and Cash for Clunkers that are bringing our economy out of recession, but really it's the Michael Jackson sales. How do you think Reaganomics worked? (Thriller hit store shelves the same year that Reagan went into office.)

Far fetched? Maybe, but I'm not the only one suggesting this. Hold on to your butts.


  1. Absolutely love it!!! And I agree with everything! Might be my favorite thus far! I mean come on...why else would they wait MONTHS to bury him?! That's rather...*insert WTF Face here* ew... (I believe that's the scientific term for it)

    I figured since I'm following you on here I should probably start commenting on your work. :oP

  2. Where do you come up with all of this stuff?!? A little cynical but I like it. Though I do think that your giving all of those involved a little too much credit. I think only your mind is that devious...thanks for the laugh :)